You know Lori-Anne, right? Malcolm’s wife, the blonde bimbo who looked forty last week and thirty this week but still tells people she doesn’t use Botox? There’s a laugh if I ever had one. She could do Carnegie Hall with jokes like that.
You would not believe what she put me through!
So, the other day, I was just running a few errands, you know, picked up some KD for the kids and stopped by David Newman’s to get my hair fixed – are you going to David now? He’s good, isn’t he? I’m supposed to stop, what with keeping on a budget and all, but I just can’t feel good if I don’t look good, you know what I mean? As far as Brian knows I got it cut by one of those Barber College kids, so keep that one between you and me, but I mean, God, I wouldn’t even be able to step outside if I let one of those kids butcher my hair.
So anyway, I stop into Starbucks just craving my Caramel Latte and just knowing I can’t have it – Brian’s always going on like I can’t live frugally, but I’m cutting back. All I’m getting now is a small coffee. It’s not like Brian’s stopping his golf sessions, god forbid. Anyway, god knows I don’t need all the fat in those lattes.
So guess who’s in the line-up in front of me? None other than Lori-Anne, of course. Did you know she drinks those coffee milkshake things? There’s something like a thousand calories in each one of those. She must be on the bulimia diet. It would not surprise me one bit if she is, I’ll be honest.
So she just gives me this pathetic little face, and she says – like this, are you ready? – she says, “Oh – honey. How are you.” Do you know what I mean? Exactly like that, just extremely condescending. So I’m just like, okay – what’s this all about? even though it’s completely obvious because Lori-Anne is just the least subtle woman in the world.
But, whatever, I don’t want to create a scene, right? I just want to be polite, so I say, “I’m great! Thank you for asking, Lori-Anne. How are you?” You know, just being friendly, right? And she says – you won’t believe her nerve! – she says she want to buy my drink for me. Pretends she just wants to get “caught up” or whatever, but you know Lori-Anne. She’s just so clearly trying to make me feel like a charity case. It’s like that red Bono scarf she always wears so everyone will be, like, “Ooo, Lori-Anne, you’re so giving!” even though nobody really believes she’s wearing it because she cares about Africa or whatever.
But whatever! That’s fine! I didn’t even let that bother me. I was, like, ok – that’s a little weird, but I didn’t make a big thing about it. I even let her buy me a Caramel Latte, you know, to be polite, and when I told her I’d get the next one she was, like – “Of course you will.” Whatever! Didn’t even make a big deal out of it!
But then when we sit down she drops it, of course: “Oh – honey. I heard about Brian.” Like, “This must be so hard on you.” God! I just know it was Kristen that told her, I mean, Kristen’s the only one who’s a big enough blabber mouth that she can’t hold it in, even though I specifically told her not to tell Lori-Anne because I knew Lori-Anne would make it into this whole big thing. I mean – it’s kind of our own personal business? Alright? God, it was all we could do to keep his name out of the papers. It’s my own fault for telling Kristen in the first place, though. If I so much as wore black socks with white sneakers she’d make sure everyone in Taiwan knew about it. That girl just cannot keep her mouth shout.
And so Lori-Anne has the nerve to ask what we’re doing for money, so I’m like, “Um, actually? I work too. Because the 1800s ended? Remember? So we’re doing fine. But thanks for asking! Hope your heart doesn’t swell up with so much compassion that your fake boobs burst!” I mean, okay, I didn’t say it like that, but – y’know, just for the record? They are totally fake.
But when I bring up that I’m working too she says, “Oh, but it must be so hard feeding a family with just your little hobby.” Exactly like that, in exactly that tone. So I says, “Well, I’m sorry didn’t go to McGill like you, but I had a family to raise. And, okay, actually? The pet spa’s getting good word of mouth right now. So it is a job, thank you very much.” I mean, not trying to be hostile, just, like, answering her question. She always needs to feel superior to me. I just hate that, you know? And she’s just trying to be, like, “Oh, I wasn’t trying to say that!” and I’m just like, “Um, okay – but you did say it.”
So she just gives me this look – like this, right? – like I’m the one acting like a crazy person even though clearly she’s the one acting nuts. I mean, like – oh, I’m sorry, am I not thanking you for your pity? Am I standing up for myself? Whoops! My bad.
Anyway, what she said next really sent me through the roof. You won’t even believe this. She just says, “Oh, Malcolm’s firm is looking for someone new – I’m sure he’d by happy to give Brian a recommendation.” and I say, “Um, excuse me? Okay. Listen.” And I’m being really polite here, right? Very calm. But I say, “Listen. We don’t need your charity. Okay? So, appreciate it, but maybe you’re just going to want to back off right now.”
And she acts like this martyr, okay, and she’s like, “You don’t need to raise your voice.” and I say, “I’m not raising my voice. I’m perfectly calm. But I think you need to back off. Right now.” and she reaches out and tries to touch my hand and do her whole “Oh honey” routine, so I just say, “Don’t touch me! Don’t even try to do that!” and she’s like, “Oh – you’re just under stress,” blowing me off like that, you know? and I say, “Don’t tell me how I’m feeling! I’m happy! I’m chipper! This is the best day of my life!”
And then everyone in whole place is just staring at me – it was just so embarrassing! I thought I was just going to start crying right there in front of everybody. I mean, it’s just – she was so rude and condescending! But, like – all in the way she said it, y’know, and that’s what made it so terrible. It wouldn’t’ve been so bad if she’d just been a bitch to my face. But it’s, like, because she can be a bitch quietly and I’m a bitch out-loud she makes me look like the bad guy.
So I just got out of there as soon as I could and she had the nerve to be, like, “It was nice to see you again!” As if she hadn’t been rude enough already. Can you believe the nerve of people? What I should’ve done is slammed five bucks on the table and said, “Here’s for the latte!” Opened up my wallet just enough that she can see inside and that, you know what? We do fine. I didn’t think of it at the time, though.
What I really wanted to do is – you know how Brian and I had been talking about getting a new living room? What I really wanted to do is get the whole thing done at one of those no-money-down places, really make it look ritzy, then have Lori-Anne and Malcolm over. Serve Lobster Bisque or something, really show them that, you know what, we still have a house in Forest Hill and we’re still doing pretty well. So go back to buying scarves for Africa, there, Bono. We could just return it all afterwards so it wouldn’t cost a dime. Brian wasn’t really having it, though, and I checked and I don’t think they give a full refund, so it probably wouldn’t’ve worked anyway.
What really got to me is when I told this all to Brian, you know what he did? He called Malcolm. Like we’re beggars or something. That man just has no pride at all. I’m surprised he can stand upright without a backbone. Not that there was even a job, anyway. Now Brian’s talking about selling the house and renting again, but that is just not happening. No way.
But, in the end, I’m just, like, whatever, you know? It’s not worth letting these things upset you. I’m not letting it get to me. I mean, it’s not that I even care.